An Introduction to Religion: why I am the way I am.

It would be a lie if I where to claim that I am not religious in any sense of the imagination. Over the course of my life religion has played a great role in shaping who I am. Not long ago I posted a blog in which I attempted to explain my views clearly and in a compact manner. To my knowledge the intent has succeeded. However I myself do not feel that my thoughts on the manner where clearly defined. [Therefore] I wish to once again make an attempt to clearly define the many thoughts, experiences, and longings that radiate throughout my heart. 

One blog will not do that. So I have decided to discuss each core belief in different blogs, with this first one being a simple introduction.

How does one introduce their beliefs? Our beliefs are the result of experiences, heritage and our cultural reaction to the two(my thoughts, not necessarily reputable). Behind each of us is a long line of individuals who had their own experiences responded to by their own cultural responses to these experiences. We are extremely subjective individuals; made up of stories up stories. Each story we have existed within contains other characters who build the story and add dynamic. By other characters being a part of our stories we are effected by their stories. 

So what does this have to do with my beliefs? They are not necessarily my own. They are built up off of the story of my parents, the stories they come from, and my friends and the stories they come from. I did not simply sit in a dark room trying to figure out whether I exist or not. No, my beliefs(which make up a good portion of who I am) stem from many many different factors. The main factor of which that ties many of the stories that effected me the most together is the story of Christianity. 

Christianity is {quite possibly} the most embarrassing story to come from. When being truly honest with oneself, who could disagree? Some of the craziest nuts have associated themselves with the Christian religion. In all honesty, I try to avoid this term at all costs when it comes up in a conversation. It's not that I find it 'uncool' or 'irrelevant', I simply find many of those who associate themselves with this term 'uncool' and 'irrelevant'. But I shall not spend much time on this issue in this blog. Wait a few and you'll hear more of my thoughts on the Christian religion. Simply know that this is the story that has had the greatest impact on my life and I value it. 

I truly believe that in order to embrace who one truly is, one must embrace the truth of the stories that have impacted ones life. These next few posts will be a written expression of the truth that I have {thus far} found in life. It is incomplete, for I have only experienced two decades of life. That and God is quite big. There is a lot of living, and a lot of exploring left to do.

What I hope not to accomplish with these blogs are to write down a systematic 'this is the only way to think of things' theology. I have by no means systematically exhausted all means of knowing what it is that is true. Speaking of truth, this is a conversation about truth. It is not a debate about what truth is and isn't. Please sit back in your armchair with a cup of tea(because I love tea) and discuss what I have to say with me. If you do not have a blogspot, feel free to message me via facebook(I am assuming that those who read this have a facebook and are friends with me).

The three areas we will be discussing are what follows:

1) a/theism-Who/what is god? How does god relate to our lives? How do we know that god exists? How am I to experience god?

2) humanism-What is the difference between love and law? How does god relate to the are of ethics and morality?

3) Jesus-How does Jesus fit in with the following two areas? 

Sit back and enjoy. Do not expect these to be really academic, for I am not much of an academic person. I simply wish you to understand what it is that I have experienced. 

I feel as of late I have begun to find myself as of late. Since I have just written that my world will undoubtedly do a 180. But this I am fine with. Something inside of me has begun to change and move on forward. 

Why is this?

I have no idea. Life is crazy with twists and turns that shake your world. I so happen to be living in a moment of clarity and happiness. I believe this moment is coming about due to many different circumstances in my life. My job is great. I'm finally on good terms with many of my friends. And best of all, my parents have stopped giving me these weird looks! Yet through all this one thing is remaining constant. I am finally being honest with myself. Not entirely honest, that is a slow tedious process that takes a lifetime; yet I am being honest for once.

Life has also thrown a few great story ideas my way. I've written quite a bit of poetry, and two full short stories(though they are both about to undergo editing). The novel ideas are still in the works and I don't expect anything to be completed for several years. But this is all the beginning of something new.

No real point to this blog. Laura just told me to write something.

Back on Track

...It's kind of like Stella getting her groove back...only my studliness is back in my strut...

I feel confident for some reason. Maybe it lay in what happened tonight. Whatever it was that occurred, I do believe that my inspiration may be back. At least somehow.

Let's all hope that I can maintain this.

Fear in the Tides of Change.

I'm not going to spend too much time on this because I honestly don't think it's worth putting too much effort into.

Today I read in the Star Tribune that a group is filing a law suit to try and block President-Elect  Obama from becoming the nations 44th president of the United States. The reason? This group claims that he is not even a natural born citizen, thus it would be unconstitutional for him to even become president. 

However just a few strokes on a keyboard, a few button clicks, and here you all go.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/citizen.asp

In fact here's his birth certificate.

http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn227/Polarik/BO_Birth_Certificate.jpg

I don't know how to make them a link(I'm computer illiterate), but you can copy and paste.

Now days within conservative circles, many conspiracy theories are being brought up stating that someone or group, somewhere, is trying to undermine American values, destroy all religion, and ultimately set up a one world government in order to usher in Satan's domination of what God created. Somehow barring the teaching of evolution and making it illegal to even be gay is going stop this. Therefore, we must all become staunch Republicans and everything is going to be fixed, the anti-christ is not going to rise to power, and the entire world will follow our example or else we will bomb them back to the stone age.

This isn't anything new. Well the current action may be, but the idea behind it isn't new. Plain and simple, a group(in this case the religious right) is losing their power base. This leads to an inevitable question: Why? Why is 'our' group losing it's grip? Rather then face the light and see that our reality is subject to social and economic changes, it is much easier to blame someone else. Thus a conspiracy theory is born. Someone is doing something, somewhere, trying to undermine our values. We therefore must stand our group  and expose those who are responsible for our demise.

To be honest, I have no idea HOW conspiracy theories start (It would be amazing to meet the guy who came up with the idea for the Illuminati), but I do know why. Simply put, it's fear of the unknown. When something you've worked so hard to establish is suddenly obsolete, it's pretty easy to scapegoat someone else. 

I can understand. Really, it does feel like the foundations of the world are breaking. Let me assure you that they aren't. Everything is going to be fine. And let me tell ya, if you actually listen to those theories the femi-nazis are going to get us.

A Love Letter in the Making

I'm going to marry you someday. Or at least I plan on it.

Who is it that I am speaking to? I don't know. I may never know. Either way, I am making a promise. A promise that I am going to love you.  There isn't anything about me that is perfect. When you get down to the nitty grittiness of life, none of us are. We both will get angry, make mistakes, fight, say things that we don't really mean...I don't want it to happen, but we both know that it will. There are too many unfortunate realities in life. We are all damaged goods. However, I promise that the imperfections that smear both of us will not let me be blinded to the love that will(and I believe already is, regardless of the fact that I still don't know you)bind us together. 

I ask just one thing of you. Let me go. Some people are ever changing, constantly growing. Others eventually settle down. Neither is an evil. Both have ups and downs. I am one of those who is in perpetual change. I know that I'm still young and still discovering, but my heart keeps telling me that I am on a different journey. This isn't to boast about anything. I just know that I am different in a different way. The word content does not really exist to me. Maybe I am completely wrong. I sure don't know. Just pleas don't ever ask me to stay. If you someday believe me to be 'the one', then know that I will undoubtedly stay. Have faith. Okay, so that's two things in one I'm asking.

I'm not sure how to end this. Maybe you will read it, maybe not. I sure hope you do.

A Glutton In The Mirror

As of late I've been having many problems with the holiday season. 

At the moment I have just helped prepare a rather large feast, bought a cup of Starbucks, I'm listening to my Dad watch a football game(yes you can listen to someone watching any sports), and I'm curled up on my couch writing to you. 

Since I stepped foot outside of Starbucks roughly an hour ago I've been asking myself one thing: Is this all really worth it? Today and tomorrow are days where Americans all celebrate gluttony. Today we eat drink and be merry, and tomorrow we waste our paychecks on thousands of dollars worth of items that we don't need. Well I take that back, sometimes we do actually need a warm coat for this winter weather. We spend and we eat to our hearts content. All the while the vast majority of the world sits at our doorstep staring at us enviously. 

Why do I participate in it? Simply put, I don't know how not to. I was born into a middle class family. Life for me was spent worrying about things like 'what clothes I shall wear tomorrow?' 'does that girl think I'm cute?' 'where do I want to go out to eat?' All the while I am staring at the figures that make up my bank account wondering whether or not I'll be able to maintain the illusion that I'm living the dream perfectly. But I'm not. I haven't lost sleep over the hungary eyes staring at me. I have lost sleep because I am the one sheltered safely on the inside scarfing down as much as I can. 

Can I justify my life any longer while I spend my days contemplating the theories of socialism and communism? Can I maintain my composure any longer?

I don't know.

Your theory is not your faith, nor anything like it. Your faith is your obedience; your theory I know not what. Yes, I will gladly leave you without any of what you call faith. Trust in God. Obey the word-every word of the Master. That is faith; and so believing, your opinion will grow out of your true life, and be worthy of it. Peter says the Lord gives the spirit to them that obey him: the spirit of the Master, and that alone, can guide you to any theory that it will be of use to you to hold. A theory arrived at any other way is not worth the time spent on it. Jesus is the creating and saving lord of our intellects as well as of our more precious hearts; nothing that he does not think, is worth thinking; no man can think as he thinks, except he be pure like him; no man can be pure like him, except he go with him, and learn from him.-George MacDonald, Unspoken Sermons, Series III, Justice

"Today, there is an inescapable duty to make ourselves the neighbor of every individual, without exception, and to take positive steps to help a neighbor whom we encounter, whether that neighbor be an elderly person, abandoned by everyone, a foreign worker who suffers the injustice of being despised, a refugee, an illegitimate child wrongly suffering for a sin of which the child is innocent, or a starving human being who awakens our conscience by calling to mind the words of Christ: 'As long as you did it for one of these, the least of my brethren, you did it for me' (Matthew 25:40)"-St Elizabeth of Hungary

From Justice to Belief

I promised to myself that I would always be truthful about my emotions. So here I am going to be honest with the world.

For the past few months I have been happy with who I am becoming. I like where life is headed. There seems to be an odd misconception in American Christianity that if you are happy you are probably not in God's will. Maybe we think this because we don't want the youth to simply feel good, but to be good. Now I must take a good hard look at who I am beginning to become and ask myself how this is being good.

These past few weeks where rough for me. I did something that drugged me into something I am not.

I joined the American Political conversation. It simply became about me and my views. Trying to shove them down someone's throat was my absolute goal. Being good was no where on my radar.

This shows in a letter that has been sitting on my night stand. It is a letter from Compassion International informing me that my payment info was incomplete. And honestly I haven't cared much to respond to it. I've been going back and forth with them since July, waiting to be able to sponsor a child in South America. One letter was lost in the mail, and the other was incomplete. I'm busy as hell, and forget things easily. But this time I have no excuse.

So I need to honestly repent about this. Turn face and walk towards living justly. I admit that i haven't been actually living. But simply thinking and theorizing about how to do things. How much do I really do this?

I don't know exactly where to head on life's journey. But I now truly realize that I need to strive to live justly. Not just in theory, but in reality.

I never knew that God existed before moments like these. Realizations that you can live for others. This is what makes us as humans unique. Not our thumb. It is the fact that we have compassion for those around us. To me this is how I know that God exists. It defies every theory and all logic surrounding the evolution of a species.

What if in all of us we really do have a devil and an angel warring over our souls. One is our animalistic tendencies, the other our God given nature. Such a bold move to say 'God given nature'. But what else is it? What is it that drives us to compassion? Was peer-pressure? If so, who did it start with, and what caused them to think like this? Is it all some giant conspiracy? If it was, would not it be all so obvious?

I cannot help but come to the conclusion that we are lost, wandering through a canyon and are hearing the echoes of our guides voice. He is calling us back to our camp. But maybe I'm completely off. Only God knows what God knows, and I want in on the conversation.

Religious Views.

Last winter was a tumultuous time for my views on religion, spirituality, and the experiences I've had with the creator. So much so that for a few months I was secretly an atheist(as opposed to an a/theist, which I will expound upon more later). This was the result of much deep questioning and soul searching that we all go through. Throughout this experience I immersed myself in apologetics, trying to hold onto whatever sand my faith was. I was quite the well read lad, but there was still so much that I could not answer. But I had to have the answers. Because without them there was nothing for me to grasp. Though at the time I wasn't ready to admit that there really wasn't anything for me to grasp. In reality, it was because I felt that God was simply turning into a fairy tail.

After a long journey throughout the course of this spring and summer, I came to many startling conclusions about who I am, what I believe, and why I believe it. This right here is a loose 'statement' of my soul. You could say it's much more of a look through a window into my soul.

Please note before reading that most of what I read has little or nothing to do with what it is that I now 'believe'. The vast majority of it was trying to cover up my disbelief.

First I am an a/theist.

Not an atheist, that was so last year.

An a/theist.

There is quite the difference.

Confused? Probably.

A few months ago I had the privilege of sitting down with Peter Rollins. Pete leads an experimental church that meets at a pub in Northern Ireland. He's also a brilliant philosopher. Throughout this conversation we talked much about the nature of God. The conclusion came down to this(as my friend Josiah and I coined) =:"Once you have your belief in God set in stone you have created an idol." Why do I say this? Because each time I have found someone(myself included) who has insisted that they 'have God down', there is an arrogance that follows.

Pete Rollins wrote a book along these lines. Though I have yet to read it, one of the quotes echos these sentiments:

"This faith-filled atheism is one which understands that the God we worship is bigger than our imaginings.
At the heart of fundamentalism lies a categorical rejection of this atheism, for the fundamentalist within us all resolutely affirms that our belief in God is a true reflection of what God is really like--that God is on our side. By failing to embrace this atheism, our faith becomes arrogant, narrow-minded and proud. To combat this, we must regularly remind ourselves that we are limited, finite individuals who cannot fathom the deep wells of God. We must embrace that atheism which is born, not from a lack or a rejection of faith, but rather form the heart of faith: an atheism that rejects our understanding of God precisely because it recognizes that God is bigger, better and different than we could ever imagine." (pp. 100-101)

In the Exodus narrative, God revels god's name to Moses, after Moses asks what name he should use for God when the Israelites as who sent him. Within ancient middle eastern religions there was a myth in which god had a secret name, which only god knew. When God revels god's name to Moses, it isn't Bob, or Fred, Sally, whatever you want to say. It was simply I Am. I Am who I Am , to be more exact. God replied to Moses simply saying "Tell them the I am who I am has sent you." Interesting. God does not give a finite name. God simply says 'I am who I am'. Nothing at all finite about that answer. The bible also talks in the book of Job of God's ways being much more beyond our ways. We cannot begin to fathom them.

A/theism for me is not a rejection of belief. To Derrida, it is 'running the risk of being a radical atheist.' I can say that I have had all the most astounding religious experiences as I want. However, they can be explained away like the rest of the world. I believe in God, but I do not believe in a white bearded man throwing thunder bolts down. Even then, I cannot define what it is that I believe about God. I simply can listen to the beating of my own heart and ask myself whether this is an echo of a voice much quieter then my own.

Secondly I am a Humanist.

A conservative somewhere just crapped a brick in shock. You did read, and reread it right.

I would argue that humanism is quite hard to pin down. But I do enjoy Kurt Vonnegut's image of one who strives to be good without hope for a reward.

In the movie Pay it Forward, a young boy creates a Utopian experiment in which he does a good deed for 3 people, they in turn do a good deed for three more people, and so on and so forth. None of these people hope for a reward , they simply do good because good had been towards them first.

This is what kind of humanist I am. I am doing good because of good done for me.

Which brings me to my final and most important thought.

I am a Christ Follower.

I have read the sermon on the mount more times then I can count. Meditated on it. Wrote about it. Tried to live it out. And the more and more I read it, the more and more I see a perfect world being born. This world is called the Kingdom of Heaven.

The person of Jesus absolutely astounds me. He is why I consider myself a humanist. He(and other followers of his) did good towards me. This changed something inside of me and I cannot go back. I must do good now. Not to say I am a perfect person what so ever, I am far from it. However I wish to follow the change inside of me to whatever end it brings. I am not in it for the reward. I am in it because the love propels me. I love him because he first loved me.

To me, Jesus is the answer and all the more questions to my a/theism. He is the God put into the Jewish perspective. And thanks to a few followers of his, put into my perspective. Jesus is God incarnate. Bold statement I know. But Jesus is someone I cannot put aside. He's too big and inspiring to simply be a mere man. I don't where else to go with this one. However, I question history constantly. And with Jesus, I run all the more risk of becoming a radical atheist. But I am fine with this when it comes to Jesus.

I know that this will be too short, and not very in depth for many people. There will still be many unanswered questions. Hell, I won't be able to answer most of them. But I'm fine with that. I'm not trying to make an argument that you need to believe and behave this way or that. I'm simply wanting to answer 1 or 2 of the big questions from over the years.

Be blessed.

A Crime (inspired by Kurt Vonnegut's Miss Temptation)

It should be illegal for women to smile.

Yeah you read right.

ILLEGAL!!!!!

Let me explain.

I normally ride the bus/light rail downtown in the mid morning and early afternoon. At this time young people my age tend to be on their merry way to be educated within colleges and universities. Most days I tend to ignore people due to being engrossed within a sci fi novel or a good book of living out the Kingdom, but today I was in awe struck.

You guessed it.

Sitting right across from me was a pretty girl.

But not just any kind of pretty girl. She had something special about her. I first noticed her hair. It was brown and somewhat curly, about shoulder length. Everyone who knows me well knows that I'm a sucker from brunettes. And her eyes. Wow. Big and dreamy. Then to top it off she looked like she had just walked out of a thrift store.

All the while she was listening to her Ipod. And I just knew, because all girls like this have an aura around them, that she was listening to Radiohead.

At this point I think my jaw very well may have dropped. Not in the lustful "Damn girl, you be fiiiiiine!" What do you think I am a pervert or something? Anyways, I began to wonder "Should I start up a conversation?" But the thought quickly left seeing as she was texting and listening to Radiohead. No one wants to be ripped away from Radiohead.

I quickly go back to my book. But I kept on stealing glances. After a while she looked up and smiled at me. Then went right back to gazing out the window and occassionaly flipping open her phone.

And that ended it for me. I suddenly had the deepest feelings of despair a man can feel about a women.

That smile she gave me said it all:

"I am too good for you."

Nothing more, nothing less. Any hopes of this girl being the love of my life where dashed against the rocks. All because of a simple smile.

Now let's get it out there. I know absolutely nothing about this girl. She could either be the sweetest, most gentle, gracious and loving person ever to walk this world, or she could be the wicked witch of the west. I sure don't know. Heck I won't ever know. But one thing was certain, I had absolutely no chance in the world.

You see like many other guys, I have absolutely NO confidence to speak of. This lack of confidence normally goes in one of two directions. You either act out arrogantly, or you ball it all up. Other times it goes anywhere in between.

I can't count how many stories I have heard of over confident men stating that it's all a front for all the insecurities that lie beneath the surface. They could approach anybody, make conversation with anyone, but not at all be able to hold the deep personal relationships that make life good.

Like me, others simply can't at all approach anyone. We have problems going out of our way to make friends, to meet new people. And when we do, we simply feel awkward and not fully ourselves. We don't feel we can reach out to others due to being hurt. And when we finally do, it tends to fall apart awfully quick, mainly due to the guy being clingy and insecure about everything. Oh how I've been there too many times.

And what's the common denominator for all men who lack confidence?

Rejection.

Oh how many times I have tried to talk to a pretty girl only to be completely and utterly rejected.

And how does it all start?

A smile.

A women's smile is the most beautiful emotional response that God has ever given us. It's best when it's directed towards me!(or you of course, but I'm just sayin...)

But when we as males genuniely want to make the smile brighter, more genuine, you smash us down. Reject us. Make us feel worthless. And then you smile because you know that you have power over us. The power to smash our hearts with a hammer. And a big hammer at that.

Guys aren't just penises with legs. We feel, we hurt, we write love songs for those who will never hear them. We don't want to just get you in bed.

Ladies, somtimes I just want to make you smile.

Lately though, when you smile at me it has simply told me that you are better then me. I'm not saying that I am better then any women, I truly believe we are both equal. However when a pretty girl smiles at me, it has been the smile of "I am better then you."

So please, stop it. Stop playing with our hearts and minds. Stop with the games.

Please stop acting like you want to start a conversation with me.

To quote Kurt Vonnegut's Miss Temptation:

"I'm not talking about theaters with seats in 'em. I'm talking about the stage of life. American women act and dress like they're gonna give you the world. Then when you stick out your hand, they put an ice cube in it...It isn't fair...You come in hear with bells on your ankles so I'll have to look at your ankles and your pretty pink feet...You kiss your cat, so's I'll have to thinka bout how it'd be to be that cat...You call an old man an angel, so I'll have to think about what it'd be like to be called an angel by you...You hide your key in front of everybody, so's I'll have to think about where that key is...Miss, you do everything you can to give lonely, ordinary people like me indigestion and the heeby-jeebies, and you wouldn't even hold hands with me to keep me from falling off a cliff."

Please ladies, stop getting my hopes up and just stop smiling. It gives us men a lonely feeling.

Goodnight.

Preaching To Myself

Too many thoughts have been racing through my mind lately.

Here is a quote that is an overused quote that has miraculously not lost any steam.

"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world?
Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church's prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament."

What if we took Jesus seriously? What if we truly believed the bible was the word of God? What if we actually did as we where told? What if we took 'dealing with difficult people' a step further and forgave those who wronged us? What if we claimed nothing for ourselves? What if we lived a life of meekness rather then asserting ourselves? What if we really did hunger and thirst for righteousness? What if we sought a life of purity? What if we didn't let any unwholesome talk come from our lips? What if we loved our enemies?


And that's only the beginning of the new testament...

The Man and The Couch

I guess that this parable was posted in Jesus Manifesto earlier today. Enjoy.

http://www.jesusmanifesto.com/2008/09/23/the-man-and-the-couch/

There is a man. And we're sitting on his back.

Not directly on his back; but the couch we're on does sit on his back. And since we're on the couch, we're sitting on his back.

I'm not sure how he got to where he is. Maybe I put him underneath, maybe you did, maybe someone long ago did. Whoever it was that first made him carry this couch doesn't matter; we're still on his back.

Who needs to argue history here?

Maybe there is more then one person carrying the couch we sit on. It could just be this guy though.

However, I'm sure comfortable up here. I really appreciate what that he carries us from here to there. But mostly I forget that he's down on the ground,

with a couch on his back.

One day someone was missing from the couch. I couldn't figure out where he went. Then I saw another set of feet by the man who carries our couch. So I decided to jump off and figure out what was going on.

"Why are you down here?" I asked my fellow couch potato.

"Well, while everyone was sleeping I saw this man crying. I couldn't sleep with this noise, so I decided to find out what was the matter. He told me that every now and then his back really hurt from carrying this couch. Some days he can ignore it pretty well, others not so well. I figured since I haven't stretched my legs in a while it might be a good to get some exercise, so I decided to help carry the couch. Then I realized that it was a lot of work to carry it and this man's back must hurt quite a bit. So I stayed here."

"Does it really hurt that bad?" I asked the man who carries the couch.

"Some days the pain is unbearable. Other days I can ignore it. But most days just fly by like a blur."

So I decided to stay and help him carry the couch as well. It makes me sad when people cry.

Read More at Jesus Manifesto...

First Post...Ever!

Well kids, I've finally gone and done it. I've entered an all new dimension of life known as the blogosphere! I'll be honest, I'm not sure how often I'll post, and even when I do it's not going to be anything very profound or new. All the good ideas have already been taken. I'm just using this for a place to reflect on the complexities of life. Sometimes (or mostly) I'll dabble in new exodus theology, write a parable or two, and even a few book reviews. Whatever I write about here, I hope that you listen and don't freak out at me if I say something that offends you. This isn't my intention. Let's all ask for clarification here before something gets out of hand.

Everyone starts off blogging like this right?