Religious Views.

Last winter was a tumultuous time for my views on religion, spirituality, and the experiences I've had with the creator. So much so that for a few months I was secretly an atheist(as opposed to an a/theist, which I will expound upon more later). This was the result of much deep questioning and soul searching that we all go through. Throughout this experience I immersed myself in apologetics, trying to hold onto whatever sand my faith was. I was quite the well read lad, but there was still so much that I could not answer. But I had to have the answers. Because without them there was nothing for me to grasp. Though at the time I wasn't ready to admit that there really wasn't anything for me to grasp. In reality, it was because I felt that God was simply turning into a fairy tail.

After a long journey throughout the course of this spring and summer, I came to many startling conclusions about who I am, what I believe, and why I believe it. This right here is a loose 'statement' of my soul. You could say it's much more of a look through a window into my soul.

Please note before reading that most of what I read has little or nothing to do with what it is that I now 'believe'. The vast majority of it was trying to cover up my disbelief.

First I am an a/theist.

Not an atheist, that was so last year.

An a/theist.

There is quite the difference.

Confused? Probably.

A few months ago I had the privilege of sitting down with Peter Rollins. Pete leads an experimental church that meets at a pub in Northern Ireland. He's also a brilliant philosopher. Throughout this conversation we talked much about the nature of God. The conclusion came down to this(as my friend Josiah and I coined) =:"Once you have your belief in God set in stone you have created an idol." Why do I say this? Because each time I have found someone(myself included) who has insisted that they 'have God down', there is an arrogance that follows.

Pete Rollins wrote a book along these lines. Though I have yet to read it, one of the quotes echos these sentiments:

"This faith-filled atheism is one which understands that the God we worship is bigger than our imaginings.
At the heart of fundamentalism lies a categorical rejection of this atheism, for the fundamentalist within us all resolutely affirms that our belief in God is a true reflection of what God is really like--that God is on our side. By failing to embrace this atheism, our faith becomes arrogant, narrow-minded and proud. To combat this, we must regularly remind ourselves that we are limited, finite individuals who cannot fathom the deep wells of God. We must embrace that atheism which is born, not from a lack or a rejection of faith, but rather form the heart of faith: an atheism that rejects our understanding of God precisely because it recognizes that God is bigger, better and different than we could ever imagine." (pp. 100-101)

In the Exodus narrative, God revels god's name to Moses, after Moses asks what name he should use for God when the Israelites as who sent him. Within ancient middle eastern religions there was a myth in which god had a secret name, which only god knew. When God revels god's name to Moses, it isn't Bob, or Fred, Sally, whatever you want to say. It was simply I Am. I Am who I Am , to be more exact. God replied to Moses simply saying "Tell them the I am who I am has sent you." Interesting. God does not give a finite name. God simply says 'I am who I am'. Nothing at all finite about that answer. The bible also talks in the book of Job of God's ways being much more beyond our ways. We cannot begin to fathom them.

A/theism for me is not a rejection of belief. To Derrida, it is 'running the risk of being a radical atheist.' I can say that I have had all the most astounding religious experiences as I want. However, they can be explained away like the rest of the world. I believe in God, but I do not believe in a white bearded man throwing thunder bolts down. Even then, I cannot define what it is that I believe about God. I simply can listen to the beating of my own heart and ask myself whether this is an echo of a voice much quieter then my own.

Secondly I am a Humanist.

A conservative somewhere just crapped a brick in shock. You did read, and reread it right.

I would argue that humanism is quite hard to pin down. But I do enjoy Kurt Vonnegut's image of one who strives to be good without hope for a reward.

In the movie Pay it Forward, a young boy creates a Utopian experiment in which he does a good deed for 3 people, they in turn do a good deed for three more people, and so on and so forth. None of these people hope for a reward , they simply do good because good had been towards them first.

This is what kind of humanist I am. I am doing good because of good done for me.

Which brings me to my final and most important thought.

I am a Christ Follower.

I have read the sermon on the mount more times then I can count. Meditated on it. Wrote about it. Tried to live it out. And the more and more I read it, the more and more I see a perfect world being born. This world is called the Kingdom of Heaven.

The person of Jesus absolutely astounds me. He is why I consider myself a humanist. He(and other followers of his) did good towards me. This changed something inside of me and I cannot go back. I must do good now. Not to say I am a perfect person what so ever, I am far from it. However I wish to follow the change inside of me to whatever end it brings. I am not in it for the reward. I am in it because the love propels me. I love him because he first loved me.

To me, Jesus is the answer and all the more questions to my a/theism. He is the God put into the Jewish perspective. And thanks to a few followers of his, put into my perspective. Jesus is God incarnate. Bold statement I know. But Jesus is someone I cannot put aside. He's too big and inspiring to simply be a mere man. I don't where else to go with this one. However, I question history constantly. And with Jesus, I run all the more risk of becoming a radical atheist. But I am fine with this when it comes to Jesus.

I know that this will be too short, and not very in depth for many people. There will still be many unanswered questions. Hell, I won't be able to answer most of them. But I'm fine with that. I'm not trying to make an argument that you need to believe and behave this way or that. I'm simply wanting to answer 1 or 2 of the big questions from over the years.

Be blessed.

A Crime (inspired by Kurt Vonnegut's Miss Temptation)

It should be illegal for women to smile.

Yeah you read right.

ILLEGAL!!!!!

Let me explain.

I normally ride the bus/light rail downtown in the mid morning and early afternoon. At this time young people my age tend to be on their merry way to be educated within colleges and universities. Most days I tend to ignore people due to being engrossed within a sci fi novel or a good book of living out the Kingdom, but today I was in awe struck.

You guessed it.

Sitting right across from me was a pretty girl.

But not just any kind of pretty girl. She had something special about her. I first noticed her hair. It was brown and somewhat curly, about shoulder length. Everyone who knows me well knows that I'm a sucker from brunettes. And her eyes. Wow. Big and dreamy. Then to top it off she looked like she had just walked out of a thrift store.

All the while she was listening to her Ipod. And I just knew, because all girls like this have an aura around them, that she was listening to Radiohead.

At this point I think my jaw very well may have dropped. Not in the lustful "Damn girl, you be fiiiiiine!" What do you think I am a pervert or something? Anyways, I began to wonder "Should I start up a conversation?" But the thought quickly left seeing as she was texting and listening to Radiohead. No one wants to be ripped away from Radiohead.

I quickly go back to my book. But I kept on stealing glances. After a while she looked up and smiled at me. Then went right back to gazing out the window and occassionaly flipping open her phone.

And that ended it for me. I suddenly had the deepest feelings of despair a man can feel about a women.

That smile she gave me said it all:

"I am too good for you."

Nothing more, nothing less. Any hopes of this girl being the love of my life where dashed against the rocks. All because of a simple smile.

Now let's get it out there. I know absolutely nothing about this girl. She could either be the sweetest, most gentle, gracious and loving person ever to walk this world, or she could be the wicked witch of the west. I sure don't know. Heck I won't ever know. But one thing was certain, I had absolutely no chance in the world.

You see like many other guys, I have absolutely NO confidence to speak of. This lack of confidence normally goes in one of two directions. You either act out arrogantly, or you ball it all up. Other times it goes anywhere in between.

I can't count how many stories I have heard of over confident men stating that it's all a front for all the insecurities that lie beneath the surface. They could approach anybody, make conversation with anyone, but not at all be able to hold the deep personal relationships that make life good.

Like me, others simply can't at all approach anyone. We have problems going out of our way to make friends, to meet new people. And when we do, we simply feel awkward and not fully ourselves. We don't feel we can reach out to others due to being hurt. And when we finally do, it tends to fall apart awfully quick, mainly due to the guy being clingy and insecure about everything. Oh how I've been there too many times.

And what's the common denominator for all men who lack confidence?

Rejection.

Oh how many times I have tried to talk to a pretty girl only to be completely and utterly rejected.

And how does it all start?

A smile.

A women's smile is the most beautiful emotional response that God has ever given us. It's best when it's directed towards me!(or you of course, but I'm just sayin...)

But when we as males genuniely want to make the smile brighter, more genuine, you smash us down. Reject us. Make us feel worthless. And then you smile because you know that you have power over us. The power to smash our hearts with a hammer. And a big hammer at that.

Guys aren't just penises with legs. We feel, we hurt, we write love songs for those who will never hear them. We don't want to just get you in bed.

Ladies, somtimes I just want to make you smile.

Lately though, when you smile at me it has simply told me that you are better then me. I'm not saying that I am better then any women, I truly believe we are both equal. However when a pretty girl smiles at me, it has been the smile of "I am better then you."

So please, stop it. Stop playing with our hearts and minds. Stop with the games.

Please stop acting like you want to start a conversation with me.

To quote Kurt Vonnegut's Miss Temptation:

"I'm not talking about theaters with seats in 'em. I'm talking about the stage of life. American women act and dress like they're gonna give you the world. Then when you stick out your hand, they put an ice cube in it...It isn't fair...You come in hear with bells on your ankles so I'll have to look at your ankles and your pretty pink feet...You kiss your cat, so's I'll have to thinka bout how it'd be to be that cat...You call an old man an angel, so I'll have to think about what it'd be like to be called an angel by you...You hide your key in front of everybody, so's I'll have to think about where that key is...Miss, you do everything you can to give lonely, ordinary people like me indigestion and the heeby-jeebies, and you wouldn't even hold hands with me to keep me from falling off a cliff."

Please ladies, stop getting my hopes up and just stop smiling. It gives us men a lonely feeling.

Goodnight.