I can no longer deny or accept the existence of a higher power. A deity you could call it. I cannot philosophically prove or disprove the existence. With each argument for comes an even greater argument against, and vice versa. But what about my experiences as a youth? Many times have I heard it said that no one can take away your experience. To an extent this is true. However, how we perceive that experience may not necessarily be the truth of the matter. None the less, I cannot deny the otherwise completely unnatural occurances in my life. But at the same time I feel that I can.
There is quite the tension within me in which I want to deny the very existence of God yet at the same time uphold my beliefs within god. It is a battle between the fundamentalist and the atheist inside of me. There is no adequate way in the English language to put the beauty and pain that comes from this tension. For me, this is simply stating that I don't know. I don't have any straight forward answers about God because god is so huge.
Still I'm not even comfortable with this position. I so badly wish that I could have a genie in a bottle that would be easy to explain. I feel like that is what God is to so many people. This is comfortable ground to rest on. We can understand the universe and easily deal with tragedies, complexities, and all the contradictions that come with life. The hip thing for me to say at this point would be "I don't feel comfortable with the cookie cutter God". What a load of crap. No, we do all feel comfortable with this God. There is safety with choosing this kind of a deity. But it is all simply an illusion. I will gladly partake in the opiate of the masses before I admit to the harsh reality that the universe is a cold dark place filled with pain and chaos. God is a coping mechanism in this world.
However in truth, god is not any of this. The reality of our security blanket is that there is no reality within it. God is not for me a mechanism that explains life away. God is the bringer of life in spite of the surrounding circumstances. God is the love that envelopes the world around me. I don't experience God like I do wikipedia. I experience God while hoping for a better tomorrow and having the faith that it will come. God is the drive behind that.
God is Love.
Love is Action.
God is a Verb.
I can't know for sure until Kingdom come. And if I don't wake up when no trumpet sounds, well let's just say that I'm fine with the Love that has driven me to this point and is driving me beyond it.
It might be another month for all I know. But I will next move into "humanism" and how I have understood this to be.
Live Peace and Love Much
